Why we need to be 'loose' about our identity
And give ourselves a break.
When we’re asked that dreaded question—tell me a little bit about yourself—what most of us do is frantically scrape our minds for the labels we use to detail ourselves. We use words like: mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend, writer, runner, dancer…
But these monikers barely touch the surface of our identity and when we cling too closely to these labels, we become at risk of experiencing an identity crisis when life inevitably shifts and transforms beneath our feet. Who are we when we lose our job? When someone close to us passes away? When the world is thrown into a global pandemic?
During periods of flux like these, our labels are often rendered meaningless and we are left adrift in our own lives.
In my experience, it was motherhood that first gave me a glimpse into this identity void. While I’d experienced transitions before, they’d all been somewhat within my control to change, to tweak, alter or move through at my chosen pace. But motherhood was like taking a sledgehammer to every part of my identity. And the whole experience was a paradox.
The enjoyment and love that bloomed from this period of early motherhood is something I could never have anticipated. But the identity shift that accompanied it was unavoidable—and at times, unwelcome. Before slapping on my new label as ‘Mum’, I was a writer, a content manager, a runner, a reader… a whole bunch of things brought me joy. But as soon as I became a mum, so many of those adjectives, those labels I’d conflated with my identity simply faded into the background.
This week as I re-listened to one of my favourite books, Atomic Habits, by James Clear, I found myself pondering the concept of identity more broadly. While his work spoke of identity in the context of cultivating habits, what stuck out to me was how he emphasised the importance of thinking of our identity as something “flexible, rather than brittle.” And while it can be tricky to zoom out of our hectic day to day existence in order to consider who we really are and the identities we want to foster, when I began to consider my own identity in a more fluid fashion, I wasn’t fearful—I felt relief.
In the last few years, ‘mother’ has become the word most associated with what I would call my identity. If someone asks me what I do (another complex question when you’re a creative), my first response is always: I’m a mum. Actually, what I often say is: I’m just a mum.
Although this is of course not a core belief, my environment and experience has made it feel truer than it really is.
What’s funny though, is how much I have railed against this label, all the while cherishing my role as a mother. So much of my work speaks to the intersection of our competing identities during this season of life and yet when I try and apply this knowledge to my own reality, it feels uncomfortable. I know I’m not ‘just a mother’, but when there is so little time in the day to do anything other than ‘mothering’, it can be exhausting.
This is why Clear’s more flexible approach to identity likely feels so refreshing. It gives us the permission to plant seeds for all sorts of identities we want to step into. And frankly, all the most interesting people I know wear multiple hats and have extensive areas of interest that only make me feel more inspired when I’m in their presence.
On the flipside, if I think about the people I’ve crossed paths with in life who feel the most closed, the most one-eyed or the most selfish—they are often the people who can’t see the forest for the trees. As Clear also says, “a lack of self-awareness is poison” and I honestly feel no truer words have ever been spoken. We all know when we are in the presence of someone who has zero self-awareness and it’s both infuriating and a little sad. And to be honest, those people aren’t really worth your time.
I think what is most important is that we give ourselves a break from time to time. Periods of transition—especially when they’re beyond our immediate control—can feel unsteady. It can make us question our self-worth and knock our confidence. But if we try to separate what we do and our circumstances from who we are, it can lighten the load.
Our identity is not just one thing. It is not the list of labels we wear from day to day. We need to give ourselves the grace to reconsider our identity at any point. Life has no finish line—and nor does our identity.
Beautifully written Ashley. I relate to this so much. Early motherhood all near decimated my sense of self, forcing me to let go of many labels I had identified with for a very long time - it was a challenging period to say the least. Fast forward almost 11 years later and I'm on the cusp of my youngest child starting school. With the sands shifting once again, I know I'll have to find myself anew when my days are no longer spent with at least one little person by my side. Hence Clear's flexible approach makes a lot of a sense to me, esp. right now. BTW, Atomic Habits has been on my TBR for a while now and you've inspired me to get to it! xx