How long is too long between chats?
Finding our way back to our friendships when our social connections feel like they've faded into oblivion.
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who has a close few friends rather than an endless stream of acquaintances popping in and out of my life. And for the most part, this has served me well.
There’s also that saying that friends are for a season, a reason or a lifetime—and in my own experience, I’ve indeed found this to have rung true. There have been fast friendships forged through nothing more than mere geography or a career transition that have lasted only as long as those circumstances have—as well as friends who I’d thought were forever but ended up exiting my life as quickly as they’d entered once I’d been handed a certain lesson. But the friendships that appear to be hanging in for the long haul are those I treasure most deeply—doing my best to nourish and nurture, whenever I peek out from underneath the latest load of laundry.
I think what I value most in these relationships is that they feel effortless—the symbiotic nature of our kinship feels unwavering, balanced and beyond the need for constant validation. But I also have a few friendships in my life that I crave more from. Women who at one time or another I would consider within my inner circle, but for whatever reason, have drifted beyond my orbit. And it’s these friendships that I mourn.
As we grow up, move cities, states or, in my case, countries, it’s inevitable that the tides that rule our relationships ebb and flow, flood and sometimes, dry up. But what I’ve been pondering of late is, how long is too long between chats?
I feel grateful that some of my closest friends are those who—despite living across literal oceans and who I may only see once or twice a year if I’m lucky—can be relied upon to hold my hand through the rollercoaster of life and immediately go deep. We fall into step almost instantly and it’s like pulling on your favourite pair of socks. It’s akin to coming home.
But I question whether some friendships simply have to be allowed to run their course if the dialogue shared continues to be little more than ‘we need to talk more’ every few months.
This week, The New York Times, shared an interesting series called: The 5-Day Friendship Challenge. The premise was simple, to help you reignite old ties, deepen current relationships and perhaps even make new friends. While I’ll leave it to you to work your way through each piece, what particularly sparked my attention was that despite being firmly footed in adulthood, many of us are considering—and at times reconsidering—our social connections. With so much compelling research to show how deep, meaningful friendships are the key to our happiness (particularly as we age) and even our longevity, it just shows that prioritising and fertilising our friendships is of the utmost importance.
Julianne Holt-Lunstad, director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University says, “It’s difficult to be choosy about your neighbours or co-workers. You’re born into your family. [But] friendships are chosen and, because of that, we need to intentionally make time for them.”
In this season of my life, time feels like the most precious commodity. Young children have this wondrous ability for stealing every teeny tiny moment of space, drawing your attention constantly in their direction. So between our work lives, romantic lives, domestic lives and simply tending to the needs of these small beings—it is often our social lives that fall by the wayside.
So how do we find the time for our friends when there honestly feels like there is none to be found?
Maybe it’s as simple as automating our friendships like we seem to do with so many other aspects of our lives. Putting a reminder in our calendar to connect and actually sticking to it. I feel such guilt when I’ve missed a FaceTime, phone call or WhatsApp message from a friend I’ve been longing to speak with—and even more so if I forget to return said call. But I’m hopeful that as the number of nappies I have to change continues to decrease and my brain begins to nudge out the remnants of early motherhood, I can replace this space with the social connections I crave.
And for all of my friends reading this who are waiting on me to return their call—just know that I see you, I love you and even if it feels like it’s been too long between chats, I promise to try again.
I think our energy and priorities shift, too, as we age. Once the busy season of small children passed, I felt a strong urge to focus a bit more on my needs. Right now, in my late 40s, I still have older children at home but am also rekindling friendships with dear friends from my own teen years. Many years went by without much chatting between us, as we were all so busy with babies, etc. But now it is so much fun reconnecting, and we've all evolved a bit with all our experiences.
I’m really feeling this Ashley… I do have a couple of deep long term friendships, but I’m also mourning the ones that could have been, the ones I thought would stick around, but instead fizzled out. I wondered for a long time what I did wrong and held myself back from new people… I must be healing now because some tentative new friendships are blossoming at last, and I’m learning that it’s not me, I’m not broken, I can be a good friend!