Why are we still mother shaming?
Whether you're aware of it or not, mother shaming is rampant—on social media, IRL and (probably) even amongst your friends.
The other week, I received a message from one of my dearest friends asking me what I thought about a DM she’d just received from a fellow mum mate.
While I’ll spare you the exact wording of the message itself—as it’s not my story to share—suffice to say that this mum was shaming my friend for the behaviour of her toddler at their recent play date. In her opinion, my friend’s little boy had been a tad too rough on a couple of occasions and while she prefaced her feedback by saying that my friend shouldn’t take her comments on board as a reflection of her parenting (um, okay..), what I found particularly infuriating was that this woman has a child of almost the exact same age as my friend—and was full of unsolicited advice on how to effectively discipline her little boy by modifying their interactions as a family at home. I was floored.
My response was, of course, to leap to my friend’s defence and assure her that she is a great mum—but this response was not simply due to my deep-rooted loyalty to her. Instead, I felt it to be just one small example of a broader issue: mother shaming. And unfortunately, it’s something that continues to permeate our society at levels that are, frankly, hard to stomach with research illustrating that nearly two thirds of mums have felt victimised by mum shaming.
In case you’re unfamiliar, mum-shaming or mother-shaming refers to when a mother is criticised for her parenting choices. Some common examples of why a mother is shamed by her peers include decisions relating to feeding, sleeping, bathing and, of course, discipline. While all mothers might feel vulnerable to this sort of shaming, the research shows that for first time mums, this type of singling out leads to them making an increased effort to portray themselves as the ‘perfect parent’ or ‘good mum’ online. And given what we know about the perils of social media, this only serves to further perpetuate the cycle of mum shaming.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we all spend waaaaay too much time on our phones. But for mums, our phone and social media platforms like Instagram feel a bit like a lifeline to the rest of the world when we’re alone at home, all day every day, with a non-verbal infant. When we’re up all night feeding a baby, sitting on the floor with our toddler while they stack colourful blocks or smear yoghurt up the walls, or we’re happily nap-trapped on the couch—there’s often not much else to do but scroll. But when we’re faced with image after image of the ‘perfect mum’ and memes advising us on how to parent better, the cumulative effect can be damaging. While I have undoubtedly learnt some amazing things on social media, I’ve also had to actively unfollow certain accounts that make me feel shit about my parenting choices and how I choose to ‘mum’.
Trouble is, this is much harder to do in real life. And for my friend, how was she supposed to respond to a message that explicitly shamed her? Seems to me that she was sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place as any stance she took—be it defensive, aggressive or neutral—would still leave her feeling rubbish.
While I’d like to think that over the last few years I’ve developed a somewhat thicker skin than I had when my first baby was fresh out of the womb—I admit I still find myself susceptible to mother shaming. It could be as simple as a passing comment from a friend on how my little boy seems like he’s struggling to regulate his emotions, an eye roll from a family member or feedback from daycare that he had a bit of a ‘tough’ day. As a parent we’re wired to protect, defend and advocate for our children—so when they’re not behaving as perfectly as society deems they should, we can’t help but feel shame. We know we shouldn’t take it personally or as a direct reflection of our parenting—because let’s be honest, all toddlers can be little assholes sometimes—but we still do. For me I often feel this most viscerally when family comes to stay with us as I’m very aware that how I choose to parent is at times, quite different to how I myself was parented. That’s not to say that my way is better—it’s just different.
There’s no question that social media has also contributed to how we now feel more open to sharing our unedited opinions with other people—whether they’ve asked for them or not. But I think the issue is more complex as while it might feel safer to hide behind our device and offer up unsolicited advice, we need to take greater accountability for our actions and consider how that advice (however well-intentioned we feel it might be) will be received by others. And, if we wouldn’t be comfortable or confident having the same discussion face to face, then perhaps we shouldn’t make that comment online, send that DM or text. Even then, perhaps we need to consider how much feedback we offer IRL, too.
When it comes to parenting, very early on I made a promise to myself that unless someone directly asked me for advice or for me to share with them a tool, technique or tactic I’ve used with my own children—I would keep my mouth shut. I’m happy to overshare my personal experience of motherhood through my writing and support my fellow mum mates by laughing about how awful our toddlers can be at times—but I would never want a friend to walk away from an interaction with me feeling like I’d judged them for how they choose to parent. I’ll admit, it’s not always easy. When you see someone you care about struggling, it can be tempting to word vomit advice in their direction. And I’m certainly guilty of expressing concern or downloading my opinion within the appropriate context when chatting with a trusted friend. I also overshare almost everything with my husband—but I also know that he isn’t about to march off and betray my confidence.
Motherhood is all-consuming. It’s exhausting, infuriating, mundane, profound, joyful and overwhelming in equal measure. And as with most things in life, there’s no one size fits all approach to parenting. But shaming one another only breeds insecurity and exacerbates anxiety—two things we could really do without as mums.
The bottom line is, any commentary that can be labelled as mum shaming usually ends up being far more hurtful, than helpful. Remember when our parents’ generation used to tell us that children should be seen and not heard? Well, perhaps instead of applying this (terrible) parenting philosophy to our own children, we should instead apply it to ourselves. Rather than jumping into conversations with our unsolicited and unwarranted advice, we should instead simply hold space, listen and support our fellow mums—sans the shame.
I can so relate to this. I think I feel most shamed when it comes to my family strangely, as if they feel comfortable enough to comment, in the same way they say the reason toddlers love to act out with their parents is because they have a loving stable base. Where they might step in to try to parent instead of me because my technique might not look like I am doing much parenting. It can feel very undermining.
I think you are right to say try not to give advice unless it’s specifically asked for it but I do find that hard sometimes. The other thing I do is say, well x has worked for me but say too that other things might work for them. As you say there aren’t right or wrongs as such, but there isn’t much I hate more than being with someone who interferes with my parenting and if they weren’t family I probably would avoid them.
I think you’re so right, it’s that feeling of being undermined which can be so frustrating. And when it comes from family, it’s a tricky path to navigate. But with friends or acquaintances, I very much think our energy is best saved for those who do not shame us... being a mum is already hard enough without feeling like other people are also questioning our choices.
Thank you for sharing!