Mean girls, it's time to grow up.
The cult of the mean girl is over—so why are we still dragging other women through the mud?!
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Mean girls. We all know them, we all loathe them—and yet despite thinking we’d left them all behind in high school, it seems their presence lingers on…
And I don’t know about you, but I’m over it.
Like everyone these days, my phone seems constantly abuzz with notifications. From texts and missed calls to emails, Insta DMs, WhatsApp and FB messenger groups—there’s a never-ending stream of messages to read, acknowledge and respond to. While I’ve developed a little rhythm in terms of how I like to communicate with the various friends, colleagues and acquaintances in my life, I must admit that I’ve always preferred one on one communication to group chats. I find them overwhelming, exhausting and if you turn away from your phone for even a minute or two, by the time you’ve re-entered the chat, it feels like you have to scroll back ten pages to understand the current context of the conversation.
But aside from the overwhelm, I also find that mean girl behaviour seems to simmer away in these group chats at a level that makes me uncomfortable—and reluctant to participate.
In my experience, it usually starts with one person making a seemingly innocent or off-hand comment about someone else. But as soon as another member of the chat latches on to this comment and responds—even if it’s intended to be humorous in nature—the flame has already been lit and it doesn’t take much for the dialogue to quickly become toxic.
While mean girl behaviour can easily go unnoticed by adults—the correct term for this type of conduct is relational aggression. And instead of causing physical harm or distress to the victim, what it does is wear away at that person’s relationships, sense of self or social standing.
The most common signs of relational aggression include; backstabbing, cyberbullying or intent to shame others online, exclusion, poking fun at someone’s personality, appearance or style, cliquey behaviour, intimidation, peer pressure or engaging in gossip.
There’s no question this type of conduct is prevalent in adolescence—and unfortunately it’s more common in girls than boys—but while most of us would like to believe that it’s a pattern of behaviour that we tend to outgrow as we enter our twenties and thirties, it unfortunately has a habit of rearing its ugly head again in adulthood. And again, usually amongst groups of women. Sigh.
For many, motherhood is often our first experience of the resurgence of the mean girl—or mean mum, as the case may be. Often, one person will begin to dominate those extremely vulnerable new mum WhatsApp group chats, perhaps making thinly veiled remarks about another woman’s parenting choices or worse still—and as happened to me—forming an off-shoot chat that leave other members feeling judged, isolated and alone.
When this happened to me, thankfully I had the self-confidence and enough experience with bullies (again, sigh) that I had no qualms calling them out on the group chat directly—shining a light on their hurtful behaviour and ensuring that they knew that I saw it for what it was.
But recently, I’ve witnessed this relational aggression come up again in another group chat I’m a quiet member of. Sure, it started innocently enough with one woman posting a pic of someone we all used to know—the intent being to poke fun. Unsure where the convo was headed, I chose to ignore it. But very quickly a few other members of the group jumped in on the conversation, adding further tidbits of gossip and judgment with every response. Within minutes the conversation escalated from commenting on the pic itself to broader life choices this woman (also in her thirties) has made, her career trajectory and past interactions. It was, quite frankly, both shocking and deeply upsetting to me. If these women—some of whom I certainly considered myself to be friendly with—could be so comfortable tearing this woman down so publicly, what were they saying about me behind my back?
Given the chat in question often lies dormant for months in between updates, I chose not to add fire to the flame. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
Evidence suggests that adult women who bully are doing so for the exact same reason our teenage selves chose to—for social standing and power. Unfortunately however, this type of bullying can be even more damaging in adulthood as it’s often covert in nature. But the result is the same in the sense that it encourages division, making the victim feel lonely, isolated and/or confused.
The intent behind this type of behaviour can also vary. While experts agree that envy undoubtedly has a lot to do with it—and in this case I certainly feel that some of the chat members were simply jealous of how successful this woman has become in the intervening years—another driver can simply be boredom, creating drama for the sake of it.
I guess the deeper question is, how should we respond to adult mean girls?
If we are the victim, the research suggests that first and foremost it’s important to recognise that the behaviour is not really about you at all and is often due to an underlying insecurity. And if possible, try to be calm—whether you’re the victim of mean girl behaviour or simply a witness to it. There’s no point inflaming the situation as adding energy to the argument can often make it worse.
However, if you feel confident enough to speak up and call out the mean girl (or girls)—do it! By speaking our truth and simply stating that we won’t stand for it can often be enough to simmer down the situation and make the bully realise that their efforts are lacking. If they respond negatively then it’s a case of well, who cares? Do you really want these types of people in your life anyway?
But equally, silence can speak louder than words. If, like me, you’ve witnessed relational aggression but feel like it’s a case of picking your battles—your silence and unwillingness to participate can speak volumes.
While I would like to think that mean girl behaviour is something best left in adolescence, I’ve come to accept that it’s likely to pop up from time to time—even as I drift into my forties and beyond. But instead of giving it my time and attention, I think what’s more important is to help cultivate a conversation where women begin to realise there is more than enough life, love and opportunities for us all. We don’t need to drag other women down in order to ensure our success. In fact, by doing the opposite and supporting our friends, colleagues and acquaintances—no matter their endeavours—we are actually making more space for women to succeed.
As a woman it already feels like we’re shovelling shit uphill in order to be seen, heard and taken seriously—so instead of pushing other women out of our way on the way to the top, let’s make an effort to stand at the summit together.
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