In news that will be news to absolutely no one who knows me well: I’m very tough on myself. Like, tough to the point of shame when something is less than perfect or my productivity falls below what I deem to be an acceptable level.
Put simply, I’m shit at losing my shit.
But because life is life and the nature of life means that things aren’t always smooth sailing—I still lose my shit. And if I’m completely honest, I often drop my proverbial bundle during PMS week. Shocking, I know.
While I can emerge from this ‘late-luteal’ phase with fresh perspective and even have a laugh at the lunacy of former self—the emotion that blooms above all else is deep shame. I feel like those who are in the path of most destruction (usually my husband), do not deserve it. And I’m embarrassed at having dropped my veil of perfection, even momentarily.
There is unquestionably some underlying self-worth issues that are worth unpicking around this, sure, but I am confident enough to hazard a guess that I am not alone in this feeling. The women in my circle that I have quietly confided in over these moments of madness have not met me with any sort of judgment—in fact, most often the response has been a gentle head tilt, a nod and a look of recognition. They get it, they feel it, they live it.
So why the f*** are we continuing to be so hard on ourselves when this is an experience that is shared by so many of us heading towards mid-life?
Undoubtedly social media has a lot to answer for in terms of this issue. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, beaten down and a little ‘loose’ around the edges, seeing our feeds flooded with perfection (even when we know it’s all a carefully curated version of reality) can feel like a punch in the guts. The patriarchy (another valid punching bag) can also carry some of the weight given our societal perception of women—particularly mothers—remains so warped, despite all the work we have been doing in recent years to redress the deeply gendered imbalance within our domestic spheres.
But really, this feels like an issue we need to shine a light on ourselves. We need to normalise the peaks and troughs of life and accept that sometimes it’s okay to lose it for no greater reason than we’re exhausted, overstimulated, hormonal or just plain bored.
In my personal experience, I think what brings about the most shame is that if I look at my life more broadly, there are so many significant challenges peppering my path that I have to grapple with on a daily basis that when I lose my marbles over my house looking like a shit pit or my husband forgetting to buy the right type of bread, it feels so unfair. How can I be so resilient when it comes to dealing with the more monumental griefs and transitions of life, but still feel so ill-equipped to handle the small stuff? It makes no sense.
But I guess, that’s just the point. It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s just life—and if we were all a little less tough on ourselves during our moments of madness, we’d probably find our way through it a lot faster.
What I’m more interested in is giving the other women in my life a safe space to drop their own bundle when it all gets a bit much—because really, the more we talk about this stuff, the more we can normalise the emotions that accompany it. And say farewell to the shame.
Oh my god, hard relate - you are definitely not alone in this Ashley! And snap, I actually just started drafting an article today on why I struggle with self compassion so much. Love what you said about creating safe spaces for other women in your life to be real with another too - what a lovely idea. xx