The mundanity of motherhood

And why we need to talk more about it...

I’m sure that any stay at home mum would agree with me when I say that the absolute worst question to be asked at the end of a long day is: so, what did you do today?

If you’ve inadvertently been the asker of this question, then I’m sure you’ve been met with one of the following responses; silent eye rolls, floods of tears, or a loud and violent tirade that goes something like this—‘what the f** do you mean, what have I been doing all day?’

Whether meant genuinely as polite small talk, or (hopefully not!) as a legitimate inquisition into the tally of tasks ticked off that day—despite the tone used and your intention, the query will always be received in the same way. Poorly.

In my opinion, the reason this question gets such a bad response is because it feels loaded. It feels like you’re literally being asked to present a star chart filled with your achievements for the day because simply keeping another human (or, humans) alive, is not enough. And, for the parent on the receiving end, it can also throw into stark relief—something which we often do not acknowledge out loud—that large chunks of motherhood can, actually, be quite mundane.

There’s no argument that raising children is a privilege—and there are unquestionably many moments of joy amongst the madness. But, the day to day reality of parenting young children can also be incredibly boring. As well as isolating. When home with a newborn, the day is a relentless cycle of feeding, changing nappies, burping and settling to sleep… on repeat. There is no pattern or rhythm to the day—with every hour, day or night, bleeding into the next before you can even look up. You can go weeks upon weeks without seeing another adult (aside from those in your family, if you’re lucky). And, it is completely and utterly selfless—not to mention exhausting.

But even as your bubbly baby turns into a tyrannical toddler, the mundanity of it all does not abate. Toddlers may be cute, but being asked the same question 217 times in a row is not fun. Preparing endless lunchboxes full of snacks —that will no doubt be tossed on the floor or in your direction—can be soul-destroying, while wiping snotty noses, dirty bums and folding piles and piles and piles of laundry all day long can make you wonder why you decided to become a parent at all. As the days, weeks and months pass by, it can feel as if your brain is turning to mush. And when a well-meaning partner or friend then asks you what you’ve been doing all day, it can be difficult to shine a positive light on it all.

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t invite conversation. In fact, I propose that more conversation is needed. As a stay-at-home mum, I want to be invited to speak and share my experience—I long for it, in fact. But instead of being asked what I did all day—I want the opportunity to feel seen, heard and acknowledged for all the unseen, unheard and unacknowledged tasks that make up this season of life.

Keeping my children alive for the day is certainly a monumental task in and of itself—but the many sub-tasks attached to that project are countless. Add to that the real life juggle of trying to simply ‘maintain’ a home—including planning and prepping meals, doing dishes, wiping surfaces, washing, drying and folding laundry, running administrative errands in between naps to post offices, grocery stores, newsagents or shopping malls, cleaning the house (which somehow never remains clean), whilst also trying to hold down a part-time job and balance the mental load of the household (ensuring everyone is vaccinated, wearing the correct size of clothing, attending all their extracurricular activities on time, paying bills etc etc etc…)—and it’s enough to give you a headache.

So, what’s the solution? Unfortunately I don’t believe there is one-size-fits-all approach here—but I think by simply reframing the initial question, we can make some positive progress. Instead of asking what we have done all day—try to instead hold space by allowing the conversation to flow in the other direction, with all the exhaustion, exhilaration and mundanity that motherhood entails. And, if all else fails, a comforting hug, a warm cup of coffee and folding a basket of laundry (without being asked first) is a good place to start.

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