The cult of female friendship

And why a portfolio of friends can be just as wonderful as a BFF...

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

As women, we are sold countless myths throughout our lifetime—many of which are driven by the patriarchy… that our beauty is our greatest currency, that there will always be equal division of labour in the home, that gender inequality no longer exists, that motherhood should undoubtedly be our greatest achievement (as well as sacrifice) or even that the slimmer we are the more value we have. But one of the greatest myths of all is that of female friendship. And more specifically, that of the BFF.

From the time we enter the primary school playground, we are encouraged to seek out a ‘best friend’ and cultivate this friendship throughout our lives. We’re sold that to have a best friend—especially one that we have known and loved since childhood—is the ultimate prize, and anything less is, quite frankly, a failure. This single person should be our confidante, keeper of secrets, moral compass and someone we share each and every milestone experience with as we journey through early schooling, adolescence and adulthood.

In my experience, however, this picture-perfect friendship simply does not exist—at least, not for everyone. Over the course of my life, I could confidently say that six or seven people have been someone I would consider a ‘best friend’—and yet a handful of those are (sadly) friendships that have fallen by the wayside for one reason or another over the years. Two of my closest friends from high school, in fact, are no longer in my day to day to life—which if you had told me back when we were seemingly joint at the hip, I would have been shocked to even consider a possibility. But the truth is, these friendships ended and fizzled out as we grew apart due to geography or circumstance—and yet the grief I felt in each instance is akin to that of heartbreak. While I have certainly analysed why I think some of these friendships may have ended, I can also acknowledge that my story is but one half of the tale—and I truly believe that sometimes these things just happen, through no fault of either party. Even so, recognising the end of a friendship can still feel like a failure.

Again, I think much of this is due to the myth of the BFF we are sold from such a young age—with Hollywood undoubtedly playing a role in this narrative. If we look to beloved TV shows such as Sex and the City or Friends even, we are delivered enviable examples of female friendship and it can make us wonder why we ourselves don’t have such a close gang of girls that we see day in, day out.

However, while there are of course stories of women who have grown up together and remained close throughout their lives—and this in itself is a wonderful gift that should be celebrated and enjoyed—I think it’s important not to perpetuate the falsehood that this is the only way female friendship should look. In all of our other relationships, we certainly don’t expect to receive absolutely everything we need from a single person—even our partner doesn’t (or shouldn’t) fulfil every role! So why do we expect to receive everything we need from a single friend?

In our quest for the perfect BFF, it can be all too easy to overlook some of the incredible relationships we already have. In my own experience, for example, I feel immensely grateful for the diverse portfolio of friends who have come into my life at various stages and seasons—this includes one of my oldest and dearest friends who I met in high school, went to university together with and who has stayed in touch even though we have lived in different countries for over a decade; my wonderful friend who I met during my early 20s and who (despite also living in another city to me) I still speak to regularly about absolutely everything; my girlfriend who I met working when I was still at university and who has been present ever since through both incredible happiness and heartbreak; work colleagues who have in recent years become some of my closest allies and who I feel know me better than I know myself sometimes; and even some of my old ‘best friends’ from primary school and high school who, despite losing touch with for various reasons, I’ve reconnected with as an adult as we journey through motherhood together.

As we age and our circumstances, needs, life experiences, interests, families and jobs change and evolve—so too will our relationships. And this will inevitably include our friendships. We can’t expect to be the same person we were aged eight, or eighteen, or twenty-eight for that matter. And so we shouldn’t expect this of our friends, either. It’s simply not realistic.

So I guess what I’m saying is this—no matter where you find yourself on the friendship spectrum, know that it’s okay if you don’t have a forever ‘best friend’ but that it’s also wonderful if you do. Either way, instead of looking outwards with a desperate need to fill this role—perhaps turn inwards and spend your friendship budget wisely, nurturing the incredible female friendships that already exist in your life and those that feed your soul on a level that’s hard to articulate.

Lastly, to any of my own friends who might be reading this, please know that I’m grateful for you all—and I promise that once I’m no longer drowning in breastmilk, I’ll call again soon.