Signs.
Memory or magic?
There have been very few butterflies lately—despite my longing to find them.
Every morning as I run through the bush, I continue to try to will them to appear. To manifest in front of me, bat their wings in recognition and clear my path.
But the butterflies have been quiet.
In their absence, I have found myself feeling rather melancholy. The adrenaline and relief and resistance to the grief that flows through me has worn off, and in its wake I feel only sorrow. I long to see the butterflies, to see signs of her. But for a while, it has felt as if there have been none to be found.
Until today.
This morning, as I fed my daughter honey toast cut into triangles, I felt the familiar lump in my throat rise to the surface and, before I could raise the dam, tears wet my cheeks. A recent memory of my mum and I had passed through my thoughts, and while the memory was fleeting, it knocked me sideways. I knew I needed to see a butterfly.
And so, I laced up my sneakers, hoping that this morning they would reappear. But before I could even get to the door, a Facebook notification appeared on my phone. A photo memory popped up and, of course, it was a photo of me and my mum, the caption reading: thinking of my favourite person today… love you mama giraffe x
While the photograph reflected a joyous memory, what felt even more significant than the image itself was the date I’d posted it: 4 November 2016. My mum died on the 4th of November and, for some reason, this seemingly random photograph came to the surface just when I needed it too.
A sign. At last.
While the scientific theories as to why we search for signs during deep grief vary, I choose to believe that the comfort we receive from the signs we seek outweighs any need for explanation. Our brains are wired to find patterns, to assign meaning to the inexplicable, to offer reassurance in the face of adversity or stress, and lessen our existential fears. But even if we can acknowledge these facts, still, we search for signs.
There is a comfort in how these signs help to integrate our loss into our reality. They honour the connection in a way that feels deeply personal, and while some may dismiss them as simply symptoms of confirmation bias—that we notice things that align with whatever we might already be thinking or feeling—I think signs are proof that the love we feel for someone doesn’t just disappear because they do.
