In the thick this week: I'm back
But what's next?
This will be news to absolutely nobody—but as it turns out, travelling with young kids is exhausting. Hence the inadvertent three week writing hiatus.
And although I could quite easily spend this week’s newsletter whingeing about the almost comical levels of sleep deprivation I’ve experienced in the last month or delving into the countless irrational toddler negotiations I’ve found myself navigating of late—what I’m actually grappling with the most this week is feeling a lack of purpose.
Before I went away, I took very measured steps to ensure that my plate (specifically in regards to work) was clear so that I didn’t have the extra stress of juggling external deadlines whilst also trying to wrangle two young children and enjoy some much-needed time with family. So for that, I’m very grateful as I certainly feel like I’ve returned to my life in Sydney in a much calmer (albeit more exhausted) frame of mind than after previous trips home to New Zealand.
However, by gifting myself this freedom and ensuring all my external projects were neatly filed away before we left—I have returned to find myself feeling a little lost at sea. Our bags are unpacked, the 412 loads of laundry have been cleared away, our never-ending pile of life admin is seemingly under control and even the kitchen cupboards are looking tidier than ever… so what do I do next? Put simply: I’m craving some purpose.
And yes, I’m aware of the irony in this statement as for many months I’ve felt like I’ve been on the hamster wheel that is life with a small baby—constantly feeding, changing, settling and soothing—desperate for some extra time in my day to do literally anything else. So on the one hand, I know that I should be feeling grateful for the privilege of this extra time to spend as I choose and more importantly, I know I should be spending this time resting without feeling guilty. But instead, I’m yearning for something more. Or more specifically, I’m yearning for something that’s mine and mine alone.
While I’m not yet sure of exactly what this looks like, I’m trying to be kind to myself as the fog of early motherhood begins to lift and I rediscover my passions and purpose once more. What I do know, however, is that while society places an expectation on mothers to feel entirely fulfilled in our role as ‘Mum’—it’s okay if we’re not. And it’s also okay if we crave both peace and purpose in the same breath. In fact, I would go so far as to say as that is exactly what we should be aiming for.