In recent years, so much progress has been made in regards to how we consider and champion women’s voices.
There are now more female CEOs than ever before, more discussion at a national (and international) level about issues like the gender pay gap, equal opportunity, parental leave and how we position and support mother’s in the workplace—all issues that deeply impact a woman’s ability to thrive and succeed in the world.
But as I look around, I still feel there is an undercurrent of fear and scarcity amongst women who are either too scared, too silent or simply (dare I say it?) too selfish to raise other women up.
We speak often about how we need the men in our lives as well as the men in positions of power to do more for women—to put their biases aside and value us as equals. But if we ever want to incite deep societal change, surely it has to come from us first? We may not be able to change the minds of the men in the room, but we can at least count on each other, right?
Well, sometimes.
I’ve had many experiences in my life where I’ve been in the position to offer advice, connect someone in a powerful role with someone else I feel would be a good fit or simply engage with someone’s work for no other reason than I know it will help them build their audience, grow their business or gain access to my community as well as their own. And I can honestly say that anytime these opportunities arise, I jump in wholeheartedly. I’m not afraid that by doing so, I’m removing myself from the conversation—or giving myself a smaller slice of the pie. But it seems not everyone feels this way and as I look around, I unfortunately see so many women holding onto their access, keeping their cards and contacts close to their chest. And why? I can only assume it’s due to fear.
As a freelance writer I feel that perhaps I am more tapped into this attitude than those in other fields as I am constantly required to network, hustle for work, connect with people I think might resonate with my work or skills and hopefully, commission me. I’ve had to practise putting myself in situations of discomfort, leaning into the vulnerability that someone might say no. But still, if I am met with a no—I have no qualms about putting someone else forward for the job/opportunity/conversation if I know it might benefit them. If anything, my philosophy remains firmly that there is always enough opportunity to go around and that we are only going to solidify the position of women in society more broadly by championing each other in every possible way and in every possible arena.
Unfortunately however, there have many many instances where I’ve witnessed women in my own life remain silent, choosing to avoid engaging with my work or share their wisdom/connections/opportunities. And if I’m honest, it makes me really sad.
I’m not the only one who seems to be questioning this trend. According to Dr Shawn Andrews in an article written for Forbes way back in 2020, there are a few reasons women don’t support other women and one of them is called “the power dead-even rule”.
This rule governs relationships, power and self-esteem. For a healthy relationship to be possible between women, the self-esteem and power of one must be, in the eyes of each woman, similar in weight to the self-esteem and power of the other. In other words, these key elements must be kept "dead-even." When the power balance gets disrupted (such as a woman rising in status above other women), women may talk behind her back, ostracise her from the group or belittle her. These behaviours are to preserve the dead-even power relationship that women have grown up with their entire lives. Of course, this is a subconscious process. Most women are not aware of this invisible rule and what drives their behaviour, but it is a big reason why women sometimes do not support other women.
Going on to explore some of the more complex issues regarding how women interact with one another—particularly in the workplace—what also struck me was how the deep patriarchal conditioning we’ve all been exposed to since the dawn of time has led us all to believe (and subsequently act) as though women are fundamentally less than. This entrenched culture means that it’s even more difficult to break the mould and support each other.
I guess the question is, if you’ve ever been guilty of turning a blind eye to a connection or opportunity you know in your bones would be a perfect fit for one of the women in your life, be kind to yourself, but perhaps ask yourself why?
It’s not about going to your CEO and shouting about the skills of all your female friends out of context—but consider the many notifications we’re all bombarded with daily and the small bids for connection that come from our own communities. Has someone in your orbit recently started a small business and asked you to follow their Facebook page? Are they a freelancer or creative who could benefit from you sharing their Instagram post on your stories? Is there a LinkedIn opportunity that might be better suited to your friend than yourself that you should pass on (knowing she doesn’t check the platform regularly herself)?
These small requests—both spoken and silent—may seem insignificant in isolation. But I question whether we simply let these bids for connection slip through the cracks because we deem ourselves too busy to bother? Or whether there is some deeper fear at play? Pressing ‘like’ on someone’s business post or sending an article written by your friend to another contact knowing it might resonate takes less than a minute of our time—and yet could mean a huge spike in engagement or access to valuable business connection for your friend. Surely that’s enough of a reason to make the effort?
The good news is, according to research things are slowly changing—with younger generations (namely Gen Z) becoming more outspoken and proactive in their support of other women. And this is comforting. But on a smaller scale, I feel we could all do more. I want my friends to know that I’m shouting about their successes behind closed doors, that I’m liking their posts and sharing their businesses with my community at every opportunity. And you know what, I want them to do the same. I want my friends to share my work—not because it benefits them, but simply out of solidarity that by lifting each other up, we all reap the rewards.
I also want my daughter to grow up in a world where we’re no longer relying on society as a whole to shift the needle in favour of women—but a world in which we we can rely on our own network to support us and help us thrive.
The pie is big enough for all of us to take a bite—so let’s start acting like it.
I really love this take - thank you for being vulnerable! One thing I try to console myself with is that I am what I fondly call a Perpetually Online person, in that social media is my career and also my creative outlet; I have girlfriends who are my biggest cheerleaders IRL, but detest being on their phones for even 30 mins a day. They take DAYS to respond to messages and rarely check Instagram - something I struggle to get my head around 😂 - but it does mean they are highly unlikely to see my content, and also just aren't in the habit of sharing/shouting online about, well, anything! They show their love in different ways, though and for that I'm grateful. I wholeheartedly agree with you though, that if you are online, you should always applaud until it's your turn 👏