Just a heads up, I’ve removed the paywall from my archived posts for the next two weeks. My hope is that in doing so, it will give you a broader feel for my work—and allow you the opportunity to decide if it resonates. Thank you for all your support x
There are very few people in my life who I can honestly say have known me since high school—but Ali is one of them. I can remember meeting her on my very first day and instantly knowing that we were going to become firm friends.
While for much of high school we were inseparable, it came as quite the surprise to us both when we somewhat suddenly drifted apart in our final years of school. At the time, the loss of this friendship was a huge grief to carry—but in the years since, we’ve both acknowledged that we simply lacked the life experience and language to be able to navigate how we were feeling. And what has been wonderful, is reconnecting with Ali in adulthood.
Thanks to social media, we’ve managed to ‘keep an eye’ on one another from afar and since becoming mothers, it’s been fascinating witnessing some of the commonalities in our experiences. As a mother of four (!), what I find most inspiring about Ali is her seemingly effortless ability to balance the complexities of motherhood whilst maintaining her identity—and appearing fairly unflappable amongst it all. I also really love how she owns her role as ‘Mum’. As women, we are so often told that we should want it all, do it all, have it all etc etc—and that we shouldn’t perhaps be enjoying the minutiae of motherhood. But when Ali shares snippets of her domestic life, I feel seen. It’s important that we don’t downplay the small moments that make up our day—cleaning up after our families, cooking meals for those we love, taking them to doctors appointments—because this is life. And it can be both relentless and joyful.
I hope you enjoy reading this one as much as I did…
What comes up for you when you think about being ‘in the thick of it’? What does it feel like for you?
I immediately think of a specific time of the day: 5pm cooking dinner, getting things sorted for the next day, tending to tired and hungry kids, trying to get the baby to have his last nap of the day. It's a chaotic time of the day but by some small miracle an hour later when my husband walks in the door, calm has been restored (mostly) and we are all sitting down for dinner. I think in general there are seasons of being ‘in the thick of it’—the newborn days, the toddler stage, starting school and then I'm sure pre-teen and teenage years (they make me nervous). What that looks and feels like at each stage will vary greatly but I think we can all attest to those moments or seasons of parenthood when you feel smack bang ‘in the thick of it’ and you just have to keep moving forward. When things are escalating in those moments—due to an unsettled baby or a toddler crying because they can't put their shoes on etc—I try to just focus on what's immediately in front of me and what I can control and then circle back at a later, more calm time to reflect if necessary.
In terms of being in the thick of certain stages, I try, as much as possible, to prepare for those. There are many mums who have gone before me and been through the stages that I will be in soon, so I glean wisdom and advice from them. My husband and I debrief often about what's going on with the kids, their stages and how we might approach certain situations, being on the same team helps immensely. One of our family tag lines is 'teamwork makes the dreamwork'. It started out as a joke but it's well and truly stuck now! I also have a couple of good friends who I can completely be myself with—sharing the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to parenting and knowing there are other parents in the trenches in some of those stages can be very reassuring.
Was there a moment or perhaps a transition in your life that made you feel as though you were truly in the thick of life?
Becoming a Mum for the first time was truly a shock! Our daughter had some pretty severe allergies which saw us in and out of hospital a lot in the first four months of her life and that certainly compounded the experience for me. I also think each time you have a child, the whole dynamic in your family changes and it takes a while for the dust to settle within your family, plus dealing with all the normal newborn and postpartum things.
While many of the women who feature in this interview series identify as ‘creatives’, even if this is a term that doesn’t speak to you—I feel we all experience a certain pull or tug towards an external outlet such as work or creativity at some point. So, if you look at your life through this lens, how do you make space for creativity or work in your current season?
The things that bring me joy outside of my family are very much creative, I love to cook and bake and I also love DIY and interiors. We've renovated three homes in the past and I've found that to be a great outlet for my creativity. Weirdly enough (given how busy life is) I feel like I am in a period of creativity as I have been doing over the nursery, my son's room and now I've moved onto my girls' room. It's not major stuff but finding pieces of furniture, artwork, restoring or making over new furniture etc. I'm very much an active relaxer OR I'm curled up with a book for hours on end—there is no middle ground. I don't think I consciously make space for it, I simply decide I want to do something and I do it. Then again I don't get to bed before 11pm most nights and I'm up by 6am. I was painting a lamp base at 9pm the other night so maybe I'm just a little unhinged and could do with some more sleep!!
For many, the concept of being ‘in the thick of it’ illustrates the juggle between the different facets of our lives—family, friends, motherhood, career, creativity, self-care etc—and from what you share online, I feel you manage to divide your energy particularly well. So, I’d love to know how you give yourself the grace and space to nurture the various areas of your life?
I think mums very quickly become master jugglers and often to the detriment of their own wellbeing. Since becoming a mum, I've certainly had periods of time when the balance has been way off and also times when it has been spot on, it constantly changes though so it requires frequent evaluating. I had pretty testing pregnancies and they rendered me pretty much useless for the duration. I worked from my bed for most of my third pregnancy and whilst it sucked, it also taught me how to listen to my body more and understand where my capacity was, when to push and not let my mind tell me otherwise and when to listen and give myself grace.
There's no secret sauce though. In my opinion, you have to be intentional and disciplined and be prepared to push for the things you value and want in your life. What works for me is I prioritise my family first, that includes myself and my husband. After such a long time together we understand the needs of one another and we work to allow that time and space for us as individuals and also as a couple (I'm a big believer in prioritising your marriage/partnership, because without it, there would be no family). When Mum and Dad's wellbeing is balanced, that trickles down to the kids and the family unit as a whole. We are also blessed with a wonderful extended family on both sides and investing in those relationships for us as a family unit is very important. Our children's lives are enriched by the multiple levels of relationships they have across our family—grandparents, aunties and uncles, cousins, great uncles and aunties, great cousins etc.
Friendships are also quality over quantity for me. As a busy mum, unfortunately you don't have the time to dedicate so fully to friendships like you used to and that's okay. Letting go of that a long time ago has certainly helped ease the guilt as friendships ebb and flow. There are always your ride or die friends, then there are the ones who you truly adore but whose paths just don't cross as much as you would like but there is a mutual understanding and so when you only see each other a handful of times you're able to enjoy yourself and not beat yourself up that you should make more of an effort. I also think you have to be crystal clear as an individual and in your partnership about what things are important and how you will prioritise them. I would love to go to more events, more concerts and get away on some overnight hikes but in this season we are in that's just not feasible. Like I said before there's no secret though, some days are a hard slog, you push all day to fit the things in that you need and want to do.
Chris and I currently workout each night when the kids are in bed, it's not ideal but it's the only time we can fit it in, in the season we are in. We both benefit from it with our mental health, it's a great stress release and sure I'd much rather park up and watch some trashy TV some nights or go to bed early but I also know I'll feel so much better once I've done the workout.
What I also love about what you choose to share on Instagram is your sort of ‘behind the scenes’ or ‘day in the life’ content. I think many mums (myself included) can feel a bit of shame around our role as a SAHM or quote unquote ‘housewife’—but I think it’s important that we continue to share our real experiences in order to shift the narrative that this ‘work’ or ‘choice’ to focus our energy and attention on being a mum is as significant and important as any other job. So firstly, why do you think it's important to share this type of content? And secondly, do you have any advice for other parents who are perhaps feeling the societal stigma of choosing to focus on domestic life rather than the corporate rat race?
Oh this is a good question! I often think to myself when I share things, gosh I must be the most boring person out there as all I share is me in the kitchen, my current DIY project or house stuff. But I feel very comfortable in my role as 'housewife'. I genuinely love being home and running our house. I recognise that being able to stay home is a privilege, but it's also a choice for Chris and I as it does come with sacrifices—however for us, those sacrifices are worth the benefits for our whole family having me at home.
So, I share because personally I think being a parent is the most important role we will play (if we have children) and unfortunately over the past few decades being a SAHM has been devalued and now it's 'I'm just a Mum'. The role we play as SAHM's may seem small or seemingly insignificant amongst the endless washing, food preparation and constant merry go round of kids activities BUT small things add up to big things. Our daily interactions with our kids will shape who they become and that's not to put pressure on people to be the 'perfect' Mum because no-one is perfect, it's more to recognise the incredibly important role we play. So I share because I hope that other women who feel the urge to be at home, might be encouraged that contrary to what 'popular opinion' might say, you can be very happy and fulfilled being a SAHM just as you can be, being a working Mum (I've been both). There should be no shame or guilt attached to either and all the variations in between.
Since women have been fighting for equal opportunities for decades, we should be celebrating the fact that many women now do, in fact, have that choice and that choice is what is important. Just because the option to work is there doesn't mean every woman has to take it, we should have the freedom to make the choice based on the needs of our family and ourselves. On a side note, I also think society has become very outcome-focused with a need for quick results. In your career you see that, getting the satisfaction of seeing something to completion. But being a parent is the ultimate delay in gratification, it's a slow burn and if we hope to raise independent, kind and engaged humans, we have to work on that for years before we see any sort of outcome!
In moments when you’re feeling overwhelmed or perhaps feeling the itch of burnout due to being ‘in the thick of it’, what are some of the rituals or self-care practices that you turn to?
I workout most days as I find this helps to keep that sense of overwhelm at bay. My daily coffee has also become a ritual—giving myself 5-10 minutes of peace, reading, meditation or prayer helps too in those intense moments. And deep breathing! My Mum always used to try and get us to deep breathe as kids and now it is one of my key fallbacks when things are starting to get chaotic in our house. I was also told this great trick called 'going to the balcony' which is when you remove yourself mentally from a situation and look at it like you're watching a play as that often gives great clarity in the moment of how to proceed and generally helps you to proceed in a more productive, less emotive manner. It's something I'm working on…
If we examine being ‘in the thick of it’ from a more societal level, it seems that it’s women who are feeling this the most. Why do you think this might be the case? And then, perhaps, what do you think needs to be done on a broader scale to help redress this imbalance?
Because we live in a world that is way more fast paced than what were designed for, our bodies and minds have not caught up and so many of us are living with increased levels of cortisol/adrenalin etc. I think women feel this more greatly because society has accepted that women can work and be mums, but in my opinion all this has done is load onto women. Women now bear the brunt of child raising, running the home and have added careers on top of that—but men generally haven't stepped in to cover the overflow that is inevitably created when we carry all of these things. So, while women certainly can have it all, inevitably something suffers and spoiler alert it's generally our wellbeing/sanity. This isn't to bash men either, I have an incredibly hands-on husband who does so much for our kids but his mind operates quite differently to mine, he sees things that I don't and vice versa. In our home, how we have addressed this imbalance is that I am at home with the kids, I manage the day-to-day running of the house and Chris works—and we both work on our business together, we divide and conquer. I don't have the stress of trying to fit work in around the kids and Chris doesn't have the stress of having to worry about the kids and our family day-to-day around his job. This is what works for our family. I believe every woman and every couple has to work together to make things work the best way they can for their family.
Do you think that we become better equipped to deal with the ‘thick of life’ as each year passes? Has this been true of your experience?
Yes, I think our capacity, if we allow it, grows, we learn and adapt the longer we are parents. People often ask how we manage with four kids, but we didn’t start with four, we started with one and went from there. So our capacity grew with our family. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy but you just get on with it. Life comes with as many ups as it does downs and I guess we have the choice how we respond to both the good and the bad. I think I've learned over the years that you just have to keep going, keep looking for the good and the moments of joy and know that the hard parts do pass. I think that resilience and our ability to keep going—especially in those hard times—is so important to hone in yourself and teach your kids.
And finally, I’m so passionate about helping other women feel more seen, inspired and nourished during this particular season of life—are there any women in your own community (or even your virtual community) who you are grateful for or would like to shout out?
I’d have to do a shout out to my two ride or dies: Tam and Cathie. These women have been there through it all with me in motherhood and beyond. I can completely be myself with them and they've seen it all!! Even with 10 kids between us we still manage to get away for at least one girls' trip a year (thank you husbands) and those trips are full of laughter, physical challenges, good wine and great food. They fill my cup and make me feel immensely grateful to have these two very special women in my life and my family's life. Also, my Mum and MIL. I realise how fortunate I am to have a good relationship with both my mum and my MIL and I'd really like to push back on the narrative of the horrible in-laws as Chris has a great relationship with my parents too!