Collective grief
In the wake of the Westfield Bondi Junction massacre, I'm (like many) feeling unsteady and frozen in a state of grief and fear I can't explain.
If I’m honest, I’ve been trying to write this newsletter for days now. But every time I sit down at my laptop, I’ve struggled to find the words to accurately capture the many complex emotions I’m feeling.
Like many, I’ve spent the last few days trying to process the horror of what happened on what was otherwise, an ordinary weekend afternoon at WBJ. And like many, I’ve read and listened to countless interpretations, eyewitness accounts and opinion pieces as I work towards making some sort of sense out of the madness. But like many, I can’t. The tears I’ve cried since Saturday have flowed into a collective river of grief which, by all accounts, is about to break its banks. I’ve been struck by waves of sadness that have surfaced without warning, leaving me numb, confused and heartbroken for the many families this tragedy has affected.
But beyond the sadness and utter senselessness of the crimes that occurred, like many, much of what I’ve felt in the days since, is rage. As well as fear.
I’ve also questioned whether I should even add to the collective dialogue that’s been building online—unsure whether what I have to say will help to heal, or harm. But like many, I simply cannot stay silent.
For too long, we have refused to stare in the face the underlying shame that exists in this country—that women are consistently the victims of male perpetrated violence. There remains a patriarchal undertone that teaches the men in our society that women are fundamentally less than. That women are weak—and that women deserve to be treated with violence. And every 5 days, one of us is killed—at the hands of a man.
While up until now, this violence has predominantly taken place inside the home, on Saturday, one man brought this violence into a public space. While we can continue to speculate as to his motives—there is a consensus that he targeted women. And although we can collectively acknowledge that he was an individual who was suffering from deep-rooted mental health issues, on some level there was misogynistic ideology at play.
Sure there has been a slow cultural shift taking place in recent years—with a new generation of women using their voices to help draw attention to this violence. But it seems we have been screaming into a void as after every tragic loss of life, we are consistently told to be quiet. To stop making such a fuss. To stop asking for it.
But what the incident on Saturday afternoon highlighted even more clearly, is that this violence—private or public—is a men’s issue.
Before we rush to the defence that claims: not all men. We know this. But tossing this line towards women who are in fear is cowardly. Women know that not all men perpetrate this kind of violence. But as women, we have also been conditioned by society, by experience and by the facts that surround us to question that capabilities and motives of every single man that crosses our path. And it is this feeling that has left women so on edge since Saturday.
Australian television host and broadcaster, Erin Molan, managed to articulate this fear particularly well when she said:
"It's hard for men to understand what it is like to not feel safe doing normal everyday things—and a shopping centre? Like how many other things do we have to add to this list?….You go into a car park, you don't feel safe. You might call someone so you've got someone on the phone just in case something happens. You want to go for a run in the morning? Well you can't do that because you'll be killed. You want to go for a run at night? Well, you can't do that it's too dark.”
Writer and editor, Alison Izzo, also shared an incredible piece for Elle that directly asked the question: So, where are women safe?
“In the wake of such horrors, the idea of any safe haven for women feels at worst out of reach, or at best naïve.”
By bringing this violence into a public space—one that we have all traditionally seen of as safe—shifts the narrative whether we like it or not. No longer can we turn a blind eye. No longer can we blame individuals for solo acts of violence. It is actually irrelevant that this horror was perpetrated by a man who we now know had mental health issues. In fact, should we not be grieving for his family too, given that on Saturday afternoon, they also lost a loved one who, by all accounts, slipped through the cracks. Yes he is guilty, but aren’t we all on some level for allowing him to reach the point where he felt this was the answer?
Like many, I’ve walked around this week with a little more caution. At my local Westfield on Wednesday, I clutched the hand of my four year old son and instead of mindlessly scrolling my phone, remained far more vigilant than I would have previously. I walked to my car in the dark last night with my keys between my fingers. And instead of wearing both Airpods on my walk the other day, I used just one—so that my senses could still be tuned into my broader environment. As a society, I hope that we can help to mitigate this undercurrent of fear that women feel every single day. But like many, I question how many more of us need to die before we are protected by the society we work tirelessly to nurture?
Today, my grief sits firmly with the family and loved ones of the victims who lost their lives. The ripple effect of this tragedy will continue to be felt for many years to come. But there is no room for nuance here—something has to change.
This is the problem.. we are told we are just silly for feeling this way. But you’re not silly, it’s just reality. And on the flip side I also feel for the innocent men who we are called to question because of the actions of a small few. Sending love 💗
I hear you. The Bondi massacre has increased my fear (that was already present). A man joined me and my daughter in a lift at the shops the other day and for a split second I thought the worst. I felt silly that I thought anything like that from such a harmless not even incident, but the actual horrible, devastating incidents that have occurred over recent years have taken a toll on many of us.